Bubba was sunbathing naked on Flagler Beach. For the
sake of legality, and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a straw hat over his privates. An old drunken
woman walks past and slurs, “If you were a gentleman
you’d lift your hat.” Bubba raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you weren’t so ugly, it would lift itself.”
He was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast
wearing only the ‘ T ‘ shirt that she normally slept
in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me
and said softly,” You’ve got to make love to me
this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am
either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky
day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her
and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to
the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but
a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She
explained, “Oh, the egg timer’s broken.”
Moronic Instructions:
Warning: This product may contain nuts!
Located on a PACKAGE OF NUTS
On a Sign in Clemson, South Carolina
Caution Water on Road during rain.
On a Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
(uh..duh?)
A group of children were trying very hard to become
accustomed to Kindergarten. The biggest hurdle they
faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You
need to use ‘Big People’ words,’ she was always reminding
them. She asked Jimmy what he had done over the
weekend? ‘I went to visit my Nana’. “No, you went to visit
your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’
She then asked Jimmy what he had done. ‘I took a
ride on a choo-choo’. The teacher corrected, ‘No, you
took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big
People’ words’. She then asked little Lil’ Joey what he
had done? ‘I read a book’ he replied. That’s wonderful!’
the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’ Lil’ Joey
thought real hard about it, Then puffed out his chest
with great pride, and said, ‘Winnie the SHIT”.
Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government
official, ‘You have observed the white man for
many decades. You’ve seen his wars and technological
advances, you’ve seen his progress and the damage
he’s done. The Chief nodded in agreement. The official
continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?’ The Chief stared
at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. ‘When white man find land, Indians running
it; no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
clean water. Women did all the work, Visit to Medicine
man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing;
all night having sex.’ Then the Chief leaned back and
smiled, ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that.’
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Two old men decide they are close to their last days
and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few
drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The Madam
takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to
her Manager, ‘go up to the first two bedrooms and put
an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and
drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They
won’t know the difference.’ The Manager does as he
is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care
of their business. As they are walking home the first
man says, ‘you know, Ii think my girl was dead!’ ‘Dead?’
says his friend, ‘why do you say that?’ ‘Well, she never
moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’
His friend says, ‘could be worse I think mine was a
Witch.’ ‘a Witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?’
‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck,
and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out
the window. Took my dang teeth with her!’
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife
asked, ‘Do you know her?’ Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t
been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would
think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
Biker Bob walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in
his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to
when you have a headache.” The wife, laying in the bed
reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such
an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”
Biker Bob replies, “If you weren’t such a bitch, you’d
realize I was talking to the sheep.”
Ole’ “Dumpster” bought this new deodorant today. The
instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. He
says he can barely walk, but now, whenever he farts, the
room smells awesome!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache
and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You
know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.
You try that.” Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
“I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......
And...…You got nice house.”
Warning on a package of matches...
Caution: Contents may catch fire.